torsten_adair (torsten_adair) wrote,
torsten_adair
torsten_adair

SCRIPT: Battlefield State

The following is copyright 2008 Torsten Adair
Want to use it? Just ask nicely.    This is a work of satire.  If you think I'm making fun of you, please let me know, and I will be happy to discuss your feelings with you.

Battleground State     by Torsten Adair     TWAdair@yahoo.com       402 312 0645 

PAGE 1 (three panels)

ULTRAMAN RED is a muscular superhero, who wears a tight bodysuit, with cape, boots, and belt. His costume is not all the same hue, but different shades of red. On his chest is a large United States flag. His belt buckle is a dollar sign.

1 PANEL 1
Ultraman Red is at a political rally in Tallahassee, Florida, giving his stump speech to the party faithful. Signs read “Go Big Red”, “Red or Dead”, “I’ve got scarlet fever”, “Red Hot for Red”.

1 RED
--my opponent will raise your taxes, which will threaten the present economic recovery!

2 CROWD
Boooooo!

1 PANEL 2
Red gets slapped upside his head with a thick, 2x2 foot piece of metal bearing the name “STEAM GENERATION” along the top, small print in the middle, and “ACME BOILER COMPANY” along the bottom.

 
3 SOUND
ka-RAAAMMMM

4 RED
UGH!
 
1 PANEL 3
The shocked crowd turns to look up to where the boilerplate came from.


PAGE 2 (six panels)
ULTRAMAN BLUE looks like Ultraman Red, but his suit is all blue.

2 PANEL 1
Ultraman Blue is floating in midair, mocking Red.

1 BLUE
Blah blah blah-- Raise your taxes-- Make us less safe-- Weaken the military—
 
2 PANEL 2
Red is recovering from the blow, as Blue continues to berate him.

2 BLUE
Can’t you come up with something new? Like, “I’m sorry.” Or “I made a mistake”?

 
3 BLUE
Or how about: “My opponent is boring, stiff, a nerd and reads the New Yorker.”
 
2 PANEL 3
Red stands up, angry at Blue’s taunting, red in the face. The crowd is jeering Blue. A few campaign buttons bounce off him.
 
4 BLUE
But then you’re just walking in the footsteps of giants, a little kid in Daddy’s big shoes.
 
2 PANEL 4
Red flies up to be face to face with Blue. Red is steaming mad.

5 RED
You want something original?

6 BLUE
Yeah. But be quick. I have to be in Wisconsin on Sunday.
 

2 PANEL 5 Same as panel four

 

7 RED

Okay-- How about--


2 PANEL 6

Red decks Blue with a hard uppercut

 

8 RED

EAT MY SHORTS!

 

9 SOUND

WHAM

 


PAGE 3 (eight panels)

For every panel from here until the end, Red and Blue are fighting as they yell at each other, unless I say otherwise. Some panels may not have dialogue, but every panel should have violent action.

 

3 PANEL 1

Blue goes arching over the horizon, as the Red crowd cheers.

 

3 PANEL 2

Blue lands in McKay Bay, near Tampa, Florida.

 

1 SOUND

ker-SPLASH

 

3 PANEL 3

As Blue steps onto land, dripping wet, Red arrives, hitting Blue.

 

2 RED

White!

 

PANEL 4

Blue hitting Red

 

3 BLUE

Black!

 

3 PANEL 5

Red arches over 20th Street and crashes into the Florida Aquarium.

 

3 PANEL 6

Water is flooding everywhere, fish are flopping around, and tourists are panicking. 

 

3 PANEL 7

Blue hits Red with a shark

 

4 BLUE

Coke!

 

3 PANEL 8

Red hits Blue with a whale, which sends Blue flying out of the building.

 

5 RED

Pepsi!

 


PAGE 4 (six panels)

Red and Blue fighting in the Channelside shopping district, as shoppers flee, bags flying this way and that. Demolish buildings as you see fit, but have them spouting the dialog as they trade punches.

 

4 PANEL 1

 

1 BLUE

California!

 

4 PANEL 2

 

2 RED

Texas!

 

4 PANEL 3

Red and Blue fight their way onto the ice at the St. Pete Times Forum.

 

3 BLUE

Chardonnay!

 

4 PANEL 4

 

4 RED

Budweiser!

 

4 PANEL 5

Red and Blue demolishing Ybor City, a National Historical Landmark District.

 

5 RED

Corporations!

 

4 PANEL 6

Blue uppercuts Red so hard, he goes flying off into the horizon.

 

6 BLUE

Labor!

 

 

PAGE 5 (six panels)

 

5 PANEL 1

Red goes flying through the square opening of the Atlantis Building, hitting the sand of Miami Beach.

 

5 PANEL 2

People flee as Blue and Red go at it again, this time destroying the art deco buildings of Miami Beach.

 

1 BLUE

Gregory Peck!

 

5 PANEL 3

 

2 RED

Charlton Heston!

 

5 PANEL 4

 

3 BLUE

Charlie Chaplin!

 

5 PANEL 5

 

4 RED

Elia Kazan!

 

5 PANEL 6

Red and Blue’s slugfest is interrupted by

 

5 OFF PANEL

Can’t we all just get along?

 

6 RED

Oh, no—

 

7 BLUE

Of all the people—

 

 

PAGE SIX (six panels)

 

6 PANEL 1

In the foreground, we see the entwined bodies of Red and Blue, interrupted in mid-fight. Behind them, we see ULTRAMAN GREEN, standing, his cape waving in the breeze. Green has a costume similar to Red and Blue’s, except it is green, his belt buckle is the old environment “e” oval, and the flag on his chest is upside down. 

 

1 GREEN

It’s disgraceful, two grown men, fighting like boys over which team is better, the Red Sox or Yankees—

 

6 PANEL 2

Red and Blue have stood up, and are looking at Green.

 

2 RED AND BLUE (overlapping balloons, a double with two speaker tails, so that we can’t tell who said what)

 

RED SOX! YANKEES!

 

6 PANEL 3

 

3 GREEN

See? You can’t agree on anything. Think what we could accomplish if we worked together, instead of fighting over the stupidest things!

 

4 GREEN

A cleaner planet.   Alternative fuels. Healthcare for every citizen—

 

6 PANEL 4

Blue turning his head towards Red, winks slightly. Green is smiling.

 

5 BLUE

You know, Red, he’s right. If WE worked TOGETHER, we could solve all of our PROBLEMS.

 

6 RED

Huh? That’s crazy! He’s -- 

 

7 RED (connected by tail)

-- riiight. Together. On three?

 

6 PANEL 5

Green is a bit clueless, but still smiling, encouraging Blue and Red.

 

8 GREEN

That's the spirit!

 

9 BLUE

One.

 

10 RED

Two.

 

6 PANEL 6

Red and Blue connect with Green’s chin. Red with his right hand, Blue with his left.

 

11 RED and BLUE (Double with two tails)

THREE!

 

12 SOUND

ka-POW!

 


PAGE 7 (five panels)

 

7 PANEL 1

Long horizontal panel of Green, unconscious, as he arcs, face up, over the landscape of Florida. (He’s traveling westward, so the arc should lead the eye to the "sploosh" in panel two.

 

7 PANEL 2

Shot of Green’s unconscious body hitting the water of the Everglades, sending up a big splash.

 

1 SOUND

ker-SPLOOSH!

 

7 PANEL 3

Same shot, about a minute later, as we see three alligators swim towards Green’s body from various directions. (Don’t worry, he’s impervious. Of course, his costume isn’t…)

 

2   EDITOR'S NOTE (at bottom of panel)

Fear not, party faithful! Ol' Green Jeans is impervious to harm! Unfortunately, his costume is not. --EDair

    

7 PANEL 4

Back at Miami Beach

 

3 BLUE

Now— where were we?

 

4 RED

I believe it was my turn.

 

5 BLUE (connect to 2 with tail)

Oh. Right.

 

7 PANEL 5

Red hits Blue with a hard right hook, which sends Blue flying off panel to…

 


PAGE 8 (seven panels)

Disney World near Orlando. 

 

8 PANEL 1

Blue lands in the middle of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. The tourists think it’s part of the ride, and don’t panic. 

 

1 TEENAGE TOURIST

whoa.   KEWL--

 

8 PANEL 2

Red and Blue continue fighting near Main Street USA. Red hits Blue.

 

2 RED

The Wall Street Journal!

 

8 PANEL 3

Blue slugs Red near the Grand Flordian Resort.

 

3 BLUE

The New York Times!

 

8 PANEL 4

Red slugs Red near the Polynesian Resort.

 

4 RED

SUVs!

 

8 PANEL 5

Blue hits Red outside the Wilderness Lodge.

 

5 BLUE

Minivans!

 

8 PANEL 6

Red and Blue are flying and fighting inside the Contemporary Hotel, above the monorail.

 

4 RED

Ron Silver!

 

8 PANEL 7

Blue blasts Red through the wall of the hotel, and off the page.

 

5 BLUE

Alec Baldwin!

 

 

PAGE 9 (ten panels)

 

9 PANEL 1

Wide shot as we see RED go hurtling through the Spaceship Earth geodesic sphere.

 

1 BLUE (off panel) (small balloon at bottom left corner))

FORE!

 

9 PANEL 2

Red lands in the World Showcase Lagoon. [Note to letterer: if you want to be clever, you may add translated sound effects for each panel, depending on the country showcase they are demolishing.]

 

2 SOUND (or use the Japanese translation below)

ker-SPRITZ!  

 

9 PANEL 3

Red makes landfall in front of Germany. Blue hits him there.

 

3 BLUE

Far Side!

 

9 PANEL 4

Red knocks Blue into one of the frame houses.

 

4 RED

B.C.!

 

9 PANEL 5

Blue crashes into the campanile of St.Mark’s Square of the Italy pavilion.

 

9 PANEL 6

Fighting in the Italy pavilion

 

5 RED

Hemingway!

 

6 BLUE

Steinbeck!

 

9 PANEL 7

Red hurtles backwards through the U.S.A. pavilion. As Red's body goes hurtling through the USA building, we see a tableau of the Constitutional Convention. The "cast members" look up, in shock.

 

9 PANEL 8

Blue and Red at the Japan pavillion.

 

7 BLUE

Utne Reader!

 

8 RED

Reader’s Digest!

 

9 PANEL 9

Blue lands in Morocco.

 

9 PANEL 10

Blue and Red demolish the tower from the ground.

 

9 RED

Rockwell!

 

10 BLUE

Warhol!

 

 

PAGE 10 (nine panels)

 

10 PANEL 1

Red and Blue continue the fight in the France pavilion.

 

1 BLUE

Grand Prix!

 

10 PANEL 2

Red smashes Blue with the scale model of the Eiffel Tower. Blue goes flying back towards the Magic Kingdom.

 

2 RED

NASCAR!

 

10 PANEL 3

Interior shot of Blue crashing into the Hall of Presidents. Lincoln is on the left, talking, as Blue crashes into the attraction from the right side. He lands on Millard Fillmore and Warren G. Harding.

 

3 LINCOLN

--we are now engaged in a great civil war—

 

4 SOUND

CLATTER!

 

10 PANEL 4

Red and Blue use their favorite presidents as clubs. Blue uses JFK, Red uses Eisenhower.

 

5 BLUE

Richie Rich!

 

6 RED

Scrooge McDuck!

 

10 PANEL 5

Blue uses FDR, Red uses Teddy Roosevelt.

 

7 BLUE (using FDR)

The Nation!

 

8 RED (using Teddy Roosevelt)

The National Review!

 

10 PANEL 6

Blue has picked up Jefferson and is about to clobber Red.

 

9 BLUE

Mother Jo—

 

10 RED

Hey! You can’t use Jefferson!

 

10 PANEL 7

Blue is stopped in mid-swing.

 

11 BLUE

Huh? Why not? He was a Democrat.

 

12 RED

But that was a different Democrat Party. And he owned a plantation.

 

10 PANEL 8

Same scene, but Blue is using his ultrahearing to detect sound.

 

13 BLUE

But-- do you hear that?

 

14 RED

Huh? Ugh! I hate that song.

 

10 PANEL 9

 

15 BLUE

So do I. Shall we?

 

16 RED

After you.

 

 

PAGE 11 (eight panels)

 

11 PANEL 1

We see the smoldering ruin of the “It’s A Small World” castle in the background, as Red and Blue walk away in front of it, dusting themselves off, and smiling.

 

1 RED

I’ve been wanting to do that for years!

 

2 BLUE

Damn! I’ve got that song stuck in my head!

 

3 OFF PANEL

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

 

11 PANEL 2

Red and Blue looking off panel, in shock, towards the speaker.
 

4 RED AND BLUE (DOUBLE BALLOON)

Oh, no! It’s—

 

11 PANEL 3

This panel should use dynamic drawing to give SOCCERMOM a prominent introduction. However, SoccerMom is a fairly normal person. She is wearing sensible, affordable clothing. Her hairstyle is attractive but low maintenance. Behind her are three children: a 13-year-old boy, an eight-year-old girl, and a toddler in a stroller. [They are NOT the Simpsons!]

 

5 RED AND BLUE (off panel) (double balloon)

--SOCCERMOM!

 

6 SOCCERMOM

Children wait ALL YEAR, some their ENTIRE lives, to come here and YOU TWO SPOIL it with a STUPID fistfight!

 

7 TODDLER, BOY, GIRL (shared thought balloon)

Ut oh-- Here it comes--

 

11 PANEL 4

 

8 RED

But he started it—

 

9 BLUE

But HE called me NAMES—

 

10 SOCCERMOM

QUIET! You are two grown men, acting like children. Well, I guess I’ll just have to treat you like children.

 

11 PANEL 5

Red and Blue try to wiggle out of SoccerMom's berating.  

 

10 RED

Um—I’ve got a speech to give in Albuquerque—

 

11 BLUE

And I’ve got a vote in the Senate—

 

12 SOCCERMOM

Oh, no. You’re staying RIGHT HERE and CLEANING UP this mess!

 

11 PANEL 6

Soccermom reaches into her purse and pulls out a glowing chunk of PURPLE ELECTIONITE. Red and Blue cower when they see it.

 

13 RED

Aaaagh!

 

14 BLUE

Purple electionite! My only weakness!

 

15 SOCCERMOM

That’s right, you two. For the next five days, you are GROUNDED. WHATEVER the Disney employees tell you to do, you’ll DO IT, or I’ll come back and DOUBLE it!

 

11 PANEL 7

Blue is panicked, Red contrite.

 

16 SOCCERMOM

And if you think I’m angry now--

 

17 BLUE

NO! We’ll do it. 

 

18 RED

Yeah. We’re sorry.

 

PAGE 12  (two panels)
 

12 PANEL 1

Red and Blue are dressed as Tweedledee and Tweedledum, walking amidst the various tourists.

 

1 TOURIST

Hey, look, Paul! Someone stupider than you!

 

2 PAUL 

Ha. Ha. They kinda remind me of your cousin Rufus.

 

3 PAUL

Geez-- I feel sorry for those guys. It must be sweltering in there.

 

12 PANEL 2
 

4 BLUE (whisper)

Halfwit!

 

5 RED (whisper)

Jackass!



Other useful websites:

http://www.visittampabay.com/

 

www.flaaquarium.com

 

http://www.channelside.com/

 

http://www.visittampabay.com/pressroom/multimedia/index.php#

(see IPIX, Channelside… 360 degree view)

 

http://www.wdwinfo.com/Photos/Epcot_WorldShowcase/pages/E-Italy-00.htm

(for views of Epcot-World Showcase-Italy also good for other countries)



Useful sound effects:

しぶき(Japanese for “splash”)

Sound effects to use:

Craac! Baum! Chac!   Paaaf!

Tags: battlefield state, comic book script, florida, presidential elections, satire
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