The following is copyright 2008 Torsten Adair
Want to use it? Just ask nicely. This is a work of satire. If you think I'm making fun of you, please let me know, and I will be happy to discuss your feelings with you.
Battleground State by Torsten Adair TWAdair@yahoo.com 402 312 0645
PAGE 1 (three panels)
ULTRAMAN RED is a muscular superhero, who wears a tight bodysuit, with cape, boots, and belt. His costume is not all the same hue, but different shades of red. On his chest is a large United States flag. His belt buckle is a dollar sign.
1 PANEL 1
Ultraman Red is at a political rally in Tallahassee, Florida, giving his stump speech to the party faithful. Signs read “Go Big Red”, “Red or Dead”, “I’ve got scarlet fever”, “Red Hot for Red”.
--my opponent will raise your taxes, which will threaten the present economic recovery!
1 PANEL 2
Red gets slapped upside his head with a thick, 2x2 foot piece of metal bearing the name “STEAM GENERATION” along the top, small print in the middle, and “ACME BOILER COMPANY” along the bottom.
1 PANEL 3
The shocked crowd turns to look up to where the boilerplate came from.
PAGE 2 (six panels)
ULTRAMAN BLUE looks like Ultraman Red, but his suit is all blue.
2 PANEL 1
Ultraman Blue is floating in midair, mocking Red.
Blah blah blah-- Raise your taxes-- Make us less safe-- Weaken the military—
2 PANEL 2
Red is recovering from the blow, as Blue continues to berate him.
Can’t you come up with something new? Like, “I’m sorry.” Or “I made a mistake”?
Or how about: “My opponent is boring, stiff, a nerd and reads the New Yorker.”
2 PANEL 3
Red stands up, angry at Blue’s taunting, red in the face. The crowd is jeering Blue. A few campaign buttons bounce off him.
But then you’re just walking in the footsteps of giants, a little kid in Daddy’s big shoes.
2 PANEL 4
Red flies up to be face to face with Blue. Red is steaming mad.
You want something original?
Yeah. But be quick. I have to be in Wisconsin on Sunday.
2 PANEL 5 Same as panel four
Okay-- How about--
2 PANEL 6
Red decks Blue with a hard uppercut
EAT MY SHORTS!
PAGE 3 (eight panels)
For every panel from here until the end, Red and Blue are fighting as they yell at each other, unless I say otherwise. Some panels may not have dialogue, but every panel should have violent action.
3 PANEL 1
Blue goes arching over the horizon, as the Red crowd cheers.
3 PANEL 2
Blue lands in McKay Bay, near Tampa, Florida.
3 PANEL 3
As Blue steps onto land, dripping wet, Red arrives, hitting Blue.
Blue hitting Red
3 PANEL 5
Red arches over 20th Street and crashes into the Florida Aquarium.
3 PANEL 6
Water is flooding everywhere, fish are flopping around, and tourists are panicking.
3 PANEL 7
Blue hits Red with a shark
3 PANEL 8
Red hits Blue with a whale, which sends Blue flying out of the building.
PAGE 4 (six panels)
Red and Blue fighting in the Channelside shopping district, as shoppers flee, bags flying this way and that. Demolish buildings as you see fit, but have them spouting the dialog as they trade punches.
4 PANEL 1
4 PANEL 2
4 PANEL 3
Red and Blue fight their way onto the ice at the St. Pete Times Forum.
4 PANEL 4
4 PANEL 5
Red and Blue demolishing Ybor City, a National Historical Landmark District.
4 PANEL 6
Blue uppercuts Red so hard, he goes flying off into the horizon.
PAGE 5 (six panels)
5 PANEL 1
Red goes flying through the square opening of the Atlantis Building, hitting the sand of Miami Beach.
5 PANEL 2
People flee as Blue and Red go at it again, this time destroying the art deco buildings of Miami Beach.
5 PANEL 3
5 PANEL 4
5 PANEL 5
5 PANEL 6
Red and Blue’s slugfest is interrupted by
5 OFF PANEL
Can’t we all just get along?
Of all the people—
PAGE SIX (six panels)
6 PANEL 1
In the foreground, we see the entwined bodies of Red and Blue, interrupted in mid-fight. Behind them, we see ULTRAMAN GREEN, standing, his cape waving in the breeze. Green has a costume similar to Red and Blue’s, except it is green, his belt buckle is the old environment “e” oval, and the flag on his chest is upside down.
It’s disgraceful, two grown men, fighting like boys over which team is better, the Red Sox or Yankees—
6 PANEL 2
Red and Blue have stood up, and are looking at Green.
2 RED AND BLUE (overlapping balloons, a double with two speaker tails, so that we can’t tell who said what)
RED SOX! YANKEES!
6 PANEL 3
See? You can’t agree on anything. Think what we could accomplish if we worked together, instead of fighting over the stupidest things!
A cleaner planet. Alternative fuels. Healthcare for every citizen—
6 PANEL 4
Blue turning his head towards Red, winks slightly. Green is smiling.
You know, Red, he’s right. If WE worked TOGETHER, we could solve all of our PROBLEMS.
Huh? That’s crazy! He’s --
7 RED (connected by tail)
-- riiight. Together. On three?
6 PANEL 5
Green is a bit clueless, but still smiling, encouraging Blue and Red.
That's the spirit!
6 PANEL 6
Red and Blue connect with Green’s chin. Red with his right hand, Blue with his left.
11 RED and BLUE (Double with two tails)
PAGE 7 (five panels)
7 PANEL 1
Long horizontal panel of Green, unconscious, as he arcs, face up, over the landscape of Florida. (He’s traveling westward, so the arc should lead the eye to the "sploosh" in panel two.
7 PANEL 2
Shot of Green’s unconscious body hitting the water of the Everglades, sending up a big splash.
7 PANEL 3
Same shot, about a minute later, as we see three alligators swim towards Green’s body from various directions. (Don’t worry, he’s impervious. Of course, his costume isn’t…)
2 EDITOR'S NOTE (at bottom of panel)
Fear not, party faithful! Ol' Green Jeans is impervious to harm! Unfortunately, his costume is not. --EDair
7 PANEL 4
Back at Miami Beach
Now— where were we?
I believe it was my turn.
5 BLUE (connect to 2 with tail)
7 PANEL 5
Red hits Blue with a hard right hook, which sends Blue flying off panel to…
PAGE 8 (seven panels)
Disney World near Orlando.
8 PANEL 1
Blue lands in the middle of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. The tourists think it’s part of the ride, and don’t panic.
1 TEENAGE TOURIST
8 PANEL 2
Red and Blue continue fighting near Main Street USA. Red hits Blue.
The Wall Street Journal!
8 PANEL 3
Blue slugs Red near the Grand Flordian Resort.
The New York Times!
8 PANEL 4
Red slugs Red near the Polynesian Resort.
8 PANEL 5
Blue hits Red outside the Wilderness Lodge.
8 PANEL 6
Red and Blue are flying and fighting inside the Contemporary Hotel, above the monorail.
8 PANEL 7
Blue blasts Red through the wall of the hotel, and off the page.
PAGE 9 (ten panels)
9 PANEL 1
Wide shot as we see RED go hurtling through the Spaceship Earth geodesic sphere.
1 BLUE (off panel) (small balloon at bottom left corner))
9 PANEL 2
Red lands in the World Showcase Lagoon. [Note to letterer: if you want to be clever, you may add translated sound effects for each panel, depending on the country showcase they are demolishing.]
2 SOUND (or use the Japanese translation below)
9 PANEL 3
Red makes landfall in front of Germany. Blue hits him there.
9 PANEL 4
Red knocks Blue into one of the frame houses.
9 PANEL 5
Blue crashes into the campanile of St.Mark’s Square of the Italy pavilion.
9 PANEL 6
Fighting in the Italy pavilion
9 PANEL 7
Red hurtles backwards through the U.S.A. pavilion. As Red's body goes hurtling through the USA building, we see a tableau of the Constitutional Convention. The "cast members" look up, in shock.
9 PANEL 8
Blue and Red at the Japan pavillion.
9 PANEL 9
Blue lands in Morocco.
9 PANEL 10
Blue and Red demolish the tower from the ground.
PAGE 10 (nine panels)
10 PANEL 1
Red and Blue continue the fight in the France pavilion.
10 PANEL 2
Red smashes Blue with the scale model of the Eiffel Tower. Blue goes flying back towards the Magic Kingdom.
10 PANEL 3
Interior shot of Blue crashing into the Hall of Presidents. Lincoln is on the left, talking, as Blue crashes into the attraction from the right side. He lands on Millard Fillmore and Warren G. Harding.
--we are now engaged in a great civil war—
10 PANEL 4
Red and Blue use their favorite presidents as clubs. Blue uses JFK, Red uses Eisenhower.
10 PANEL 5
Blue uses FDR, Red uses Teddy Roosevelt.
7 BLUE (using FDR)
8 RED (using Teddy Roosevelt)
The National Review!
10 PANEL 6
Blue has picked up Jefferson and is about to clobber Red.
Hey! You can’t use Jefferson!
10 PANEL 7
Blue is stopped in mid-swing.
Huh? Why not? He was a Democrat.
But that was a different Democrat Party. And he owned a plantation.
10 PANEL 8
Same scene, but Blue is using his ultrahearing to detect sound.
But-- do you hear that?
Huh? Ugh! I hate that song.
10 PANEL 9
So do I. Shall we?
PAGE 11 (eight panels)
11 PANEL 1
We see the smoldering ruin of the “It’s A Small World” castle in the background, as Red and Blue walk away in front of it, dusting themselves off, and smiling.
I’ve been wanting to do that for years!
Damn! I’ve got that song stuck in my head!
3 OFF PANEL
You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
11 PANEL 2
Red and Blue looking off panel, in shock, towards the speaker.
4 RED AND BLUE (DOUBLE BALLOON)
Oh, no! It’s—
11 PANEL 3
This panel should use dynamic drawing to give SOCCERMOM a prominent introduction. However, SoccerMom is a fairly normal person. She is wearing sensible, affordable clothing. Her hairstyle is attractive but low maintenance. Behind her are three children: a 13-year-old boy, an eight-year-old girl, and a toddler in a stroller. [They are NOT the Simpsons!]
5 RED AND BLUE (off panel) (double balloon)
Children wait ALL YEAR, some their ENTIRE lives, to come here and YOU TWO SPOIL it with a STUPID fistfight!
7 TODDLER, BOY, GIRL (shared thought balloon)
Ut oh-- Here it comes--
11 PANEL 4
But he started it—
But HE called me NAMES—
QUIET! You are two grown men, acting like children. Well, I guess I’ll just have to treat you like children.
11 PANEL 5
Red and Blue try to wiggle out of SoccerMom's berating.
Um—I’ve got a speech to give in Albuquerque—
And I’ve got a vote in the Senate—
Oh, no. You’re staying RIGHT HERE and CLEANING UP this mess!
11 PANEL 6
Soccermom reaches into her purse and pulls out a glowing chunk of PURPLE ELECTIONITE. Red and Blue cower when they see it.
Purple electionite! My only weakness!
That’s right, you two. For the next five days, you are GROUNDED. WHATEVER the Disney employees tell you to do, you’ll DO IT, or I’ll come back and DOUBLE it!
11 PANEL 7
Blue is panicked, Red contrite.
And if you think I’m angry now--
NO! We’ll do it.
Yeah. We’re sorry.
PAGE 12 (two panels)
12 PANEL 1
Red and Blue are dressed as Tweedledee and Tweedledum, walking amidst the various tourists.
Hey, look, Paul! Someone stupider than you!
Ha. Ha. They kinda remind me of your cousin Rufus.
Geez-- I feel sorry for those guys. It must be sweltering in there.
12 PANEL 2
4 BLUE (whisper)
5 RED (whisper)
Other useful websites:
(see IPIX, Channelside… 360 degree view)
(for views of Epcot-World Showcase-Italy also good for other countries)
Useful sound effects:
しぶき(Japanese for “splash”)
Sound effects to use:
Craac! Baum! Chac! Paaaf!